Hippie Lady Ideas


Leave a comment

Struggling To Find a Purpose?

Me too…

I struggle every day.  I haven’t so far been able to find my main purpose in life. I lost two people I love in the past three years or so.  One of these people had been with me my entire life and the other was my best friend since we were 12 years old.  Both of these people struggled in the same way as I.  I didn’t realize that until today.  My dad actually found his purpose late in life.  I thank God for that everyday.  He was an artist it turned out and a damn good one.

The other person died in bed alone, probably feeling like a failure.  We weren’t close in the end.  Two people who both struggle with depression don’t usually help each other very much and although we loved one another that love made it to where we could no longer look at each other or even talk.  It was too painful to watch and we couldn’t do anything for each other anymore.  We were and I am still emotionally crippled.

Recently I’ve come to realize how much not having a major life purpose is impacting my life.  The quality of my life is impacted and my happiness is suffering grotesquely because I feel like i’m floating aimlessly.  I don’t believe that a mere job will solve this severe depression that has come over me because of the lost empty feeling of having no purpose.

One thing I’d like to clarify; I know in this moment, that this is my personal demon.

The problem is, I am a people pleaser. I want my purpose to please the person I am in a relationship with.  I can’t handle a displeasing attitude around me.  It makes me question my ability, my intelligence, my purpose. When I don’t get full support in the form of interest and feedback I partially blame my partner when I back off what prior to the displeasing attitude I thought was MY PURPOSE.

Crazy?

My partner thinks nothing of it if I am displeased with his choices.  My partner had a purpose prior to meeting me.  I wonder sometimes if him knowing his purpose early in life makes him more independent and confident in all his choices.

Should he care more or should I care less?

If I think less of what he finds displeasing will I become more like him and possibly find my purpose?  Am I allowing my fear of others displeasing attitudes stifle my choices and my purpose in life?

How can I find happiness by disregarding my partner’s feelings and thoughts on something as relevant as a major life choice and purpose in life?

 

 

Hippie Lady Ideas

 

 


Leave a comment

Struggling To Find a Purpose?

Me too…

I struggle every day.  I haven’t so far been able to find my main purpose in life. I lost two people I love in the past three years or so.  One of these people had been with me my entire life and the other was my best friend since we were 12 years old.  Both of these people struggled in the same way as I.  I didn’t realize that until today.  My dad actually found his purpose late in life.  I thank God for that everyday.  He was an artist it turned out and a damn good one.

The other person died in bed alone, probably feeling like a failure.  We weren’t close in the end.  Two people who both struggle with depression don’t usually help each other very much and although we loved one another that love made it to where we could no longer look at each other or even talk.  It was too painful to watch and we couldn’t do anything for each other anymore.  We were and I am still emotionally crippled.

Recently I’ve come to realize how much not having a major life purpose is impacting my life.  The quality of my life is impacted and my happiness is suffering grotesquely because I feel like i’m floating aimlessly.  I don’t believe that a mere job will solve this severe depression that has come over me because of the lost empty feeling of having no purpose.

One thing I’d like to clarify; I know in this moment, that this is my personal demon.

The problem is, I am a people pleaser. I want my purpose to please the person I am in a relationship with.  I can’t handle a displeasing attitude around me.  It makes me question my ability, my intelligence, my purpose. When I don’t get full support in the form of interest and feedback I partially blame my partner when I back off what prior to the displeasing attitude I thought was MY PURPOSE.

Crazy?

My partner thinks nothing of it if I am displeased with his choices.  My partner had a purpose prior to meeting me.  I wonder sometimes if him knowing his purpose early in life makes him more independent and confident in all his choices.

Should he care more or should I care less?

If I think less of what he finds displeasing will I become more like him and possibly find my purpose?  Am I allowing my fear of others displeasing attitudes stifle my choices and my purpose in life?

How can I find happiness by disregarding my partner’s feelings and thoughts on something as relevant as a major life choice and purpose in life?

 

 

Hippie Lady Ideas

 

 


7 Comments

I’m a Weirdo

I’m weird. I know this now. I had a milestone birthday a little over a month ago and I’ve been reflecting a lot. A WHOLE LOT. I spent a lot of my time (way too much) in the past having hurt feelings because not a lot of people “get” me. I only have a handful of close friends in my life. Most people that are my super close friends are like me. They don’t have a lot of close friends and the friends we have UNDERSTAND that we like a lot of quiet alone time. I get stressed doing what women do that are in my age group, societal class group or whatever boxes I fit into.

I’m “weird” I guess. I’ve had a lifetime of fighting off anxiety. It’s not that I don’t like large groups. It’s not that I hate bars, concerts, going to the state fair, parties, shopping in malls. It’s not that I don’t want to go get my nails done or do all the stuff girls do. I don’t have shitty fingernails and my house doesn’t look perfect because I’m a slob or have no fashion or decorating sense.

I suffer silently over here in my “weirdo” box.

I see lovely women who seem perfect to me. Their hair is perfect, their nails are painted to perfection complete with the latest holiday designs. I wanted to be just like that. Sometimes I still do.

I don’t do all these things because I am anxiety ridden. I can’t make decisions very well. I feel uncomfortable. I can’t even seem to hang all the pretty wall hangings or family photos in my home because I can’t decide where to put them and everything seems wrong when I try.

No one invites me anywhere very often because I have said no so many times I’m not even a bleep on the radar anymore.

I have lost many “friends” because they think I’m mad at them. I suppose because I don’t do all of the above mentioned or because I don’t invite them to do stuff. I just figure no one just wants to come over and watch history channel with me, make stupid Pinterest  crafts or just sit and blab about life.

Another thing I’ve noticed lately is this attitude from some that I need to be the one asking them to do stuff all the time.  I’ve had people mad at me asking how come I stopped asking them to come over and I’m thinking “I don’t recall you asking me over EVER.  Maybe I’m waiting on you to ask me. I assumed you didn’t like me.  I’m not one to beg people to hang with me. I know I’m weird but not stalker weird”.

To end this seemingly endless weirdo diatribe:

I’m weird. I accept that. It’s okay that I don’t look or fit into the “not a weirdo box”. If you meet a person that seems standoffish maybe they just have anxiety problems. Maybe they need help. You don’t have to help people like us but if you like us, try offering your help.

Helping someone you know with anxiety isn’t hard.  Gently push them to go do things with you. Something you know they enjoy. Maybe just call and ask them to come to your house instead of waiting on them to invite you over. If they say no then keep asking. Don’t write them off as weirdos because it’s lonely sometimes over here in this “weirdo box”.

Personally I’m getting comfortable. I’ll just sit here watching history channels and drag myself and my weirdo box to garage sales. I like my weirdo self finally. I just wish it hadn’t taken so long.

Hippie Lady 💜☮️


Leave a comment

Hiding behind the screen

The Internet is an odd place.  Some  people just sit back and observe and some of us put it all out there for all to see whether they want to or not. 

Some people blog as themselves and others blog as they want others to see them.   

  Some people tell the truth and others fabricate some or all of what they put out there.  Some people post only what makes them happy and others only post what makes them depressed.   

 What we see online isn’t always what it seems. 

Some don’t post much negative things because they get enough negativity in their life that they don’t want to focus on it in their posts.  

The web is a happy place for some. 

On some blogs life is always sunny and happy.  That doesn’t mean that everything is always sunny and happy, it means that is what they choose to focus on. The person that is posting happy all the time may be living a miserable life and being happy online may be the only happy life they have. 

Some people post their demons. They try and cast out their negativity on the Internet. Purging, I call it. 

I’ve done both. I’ve had two websites, one puking out every pissed off feeling, all my anger and depressed thoughts and the other is all sunshine and unicorns.  

My point is… You cannot know someone from what you see online.  

That cheerful blog you are reading may be masking a person dying of cancer. 

That seemingly mad, insane ranting blog, may have a quiet little church mouse librarian hiding behind it.  

The blog telling of the blogger traveling all over the world, may just be a recluse googling pics of destinations they long to go on but really don’t have the money or guts to actually go.  

Someone posting organic recipes and great healthy ideas may be a dreamer hoping that someday that will be how they live. 

Life and online blogging is complicated. 

I call myself a hippie. But am I really or is it who I want to be or who I want the reader to believe I am?

photo courtesy Kelly’s Kottage Inc. ©

That’s the fun of the Internet. 

Hippie Lady ☮✌🏼️