I struggle every day. I haven’t so far been able to find my main purpose in life. I lost two people I love in the past three years or so. One of these people had been with me my entire life and the other was my best friend since we were 12 years old. Both of these people struggled in the same way as I. I didn’t realize that until today. My dad actually found his purpose late in life. I thank God for that everyday. He was an artist it turned out and a damn good one.
The other person died in bed alone, probably feeling like a failure. We weren’t close in the end. Two people who both struggle with depression don’t usually help each other very much and although we loved one another that love made it to where we could no longer look at each other or even talk. It was too painful to watch and we couldn’t do anything for each other anymore. We were and I am still emotionally crippled.
Recently I’ve come to realize how much not having a major life purpose is impacting my life. The quality of my life is impacted and my happiness is suffering grotesquely because I feel like i’m floating aimlessly. I don’t believe that a mere job will solve this severe depression that has come over me because of the lost empty feeling of having no purpose.
One thing I’d like to clarify; I know in this moment, that this is my personal demon.
The problem is, I am a people pleaser. I want my purpose to please the person I am in a relationship with. I can’t handle a displeasing attitude around me. It makes me question my ability, my intelligence, my purpose. When I don’t get full support in the form of interest and feedback I partially blame my partner when I back off what prior to the displeasing attitude I thought was MY PURPOSE.
My partner thinks nothing of it if I am displeased with his choices. My partner had a purpose prior to meeting me. I wonder sometimes if him knowing his purpose early in life makes him more independent and confident in all his choices.
Should he care more or should I care less?
If I think less of what he finds displeasing will I become more like him and possibly find my purpose? Am I allowing my fear of others displeasing attitudes stifle my choices and my purpose in life?
How can I find happiness by disregarding my partner’s feelings and thoughts on something as relevant as a major life choice and purpose in life?
Hippie Lady Ideas