I’m weird. I know this now. I had a milestone birthday a little over a month ago and I’ve been reflecting a lot. A WHOLE LOT. I spent a lot of my time (way too much) in the past having hurt feelings because not a lot of people “get” me. I only have a handful of close friends in my life. Most people that are my super close friends are like me. They don’t have a lot of close friends and the friends we have UNDERSTAND that we like a lot of quiet alone time. I get stressed doing what women do that are in my age group, societal class group or whatever boxes I fit into.
I’m “weird” I guess. I’ve had a lifetime of fighting off anxiety. It’s not that I don’t like large groups. It’s not that I hate bars, concerts, going to the state fair, parties, shopping in malls. It’s not that I don’t want to go get my nails done or do all the stuff girls do. I don’t have shitty fingernails and my house doesn’t look perfect because I’m a slob or have no fashion or decorating sense.
I suffer silently over here in my “weirdo” box.
I see lovely women who seem perfect to me. Their hair is perfect, their nails are painted to perfection complete with the latest holiday designs. I wanted to be just like that. Sometimes I still do.
I don’t do all these things because I am anxiety ridden. I can’t make decisions very well. I feel uncomfortable. I can’t even seem to hang all the pretty wall hangings or family photos in my home because I can’t decide where to put them and everything seems wrong when I try.
No one invites me anywhere very often because I have said no so many times I’m not even a bleep on the radar anymore.
I have lost many “friends” because they think I’m mad at them. I suppose because I don’t do all of the above mentioned or because I don’t invite them to do stuff. I just figure no one just wants to come over and watch history channel with me, make stupid Pinterest crafts or just sit and blab about life.
Another thing I’ve noticed lately is this attitude from some that I need to be the one asking them to do stuff all the time. I’ve had people mad at me asking how come I stopped asking them to come over and I’m thinking “I don’t recall you asking me over EVER. Maybe I’m waiting on you to ask me. I assumed you didn’t like me. I’m not one to beg people to hang with me. I know I’m weird but not stalker weird”.
To end this seemingly endless weirdo diatribe:
I’m weird. I accept that. It’s okay that I don’t look or fit into the “not a weirdo box”. If you meet a person that seems standoffish maybe they just have anxiety problems. Maybe they need help. You don’t have to help people like us but if you like us, try offering your help.
Helping someone you know with anxiety isn’t hard. Gently push them to go do things with you. Something you know they enjoy. Maybe just call and ask them to come to your house instead of waiting on them to invite you over. If they say no then keep asking. Don’t write them off as weirdos because it’s lonely sometimes over here in this “weirdo box”.
Personally I’m getting comfortable. I’ll just sit here watching history channels and drag myself and my weirdo box to garage sales. I like my weirdo self finally. I just wish it hadn’t taken so long.
Hippie Lady 💜☮️